My Love/Hate Relationship with Being Alone

I recently announced to my family that I would not last 5 minutes on the show "Alone". Alone is a survival show where they drop people into wilderness locations to survive alone..ideally for 100 days. Many people drop out because they could no longer physically survive, but many of them drop because of the emotional and spiritual toll it takes to be completely alone. And they discover that the prize money is not worth the disconnection from their loved ones. That love is what makes us human, and that we need it to survive. 

So for a moment of story-telling. Hang with me here, I have a point, I swear. We have a wilderness mountain property. With shelter and basic amenities. Most people think when I say I have a mountain place it is some cushy cabin in Vail. It's not, it is a paradise but not in the way people think. We are fixing things up, but it is 90 minutes on a really rough road away from any town with services and medical care. The cabins were built in the 20's..and we are remodeling them. We put in solar and sattelite last summer. I have a hot water shower, but not a flush toilet. For this Jersey girl, it is seriously roughing it. And it is a spiritual initiation every time I go there. One I agreed to when we bought it, because I know it holds a lot of healing for me, if I surrender to it. 

A few weeks ago, my hubby and son got up early to go on a 10 mile hike deeper into the wilderness and would be gone all day. I was complete alone. Alone time is many mothers' dreams, it used to be mine. I would beg for it, crave it. I spend a lot of time alone here in the city in deep contemplation, painting, meditating, writing. Wilderness alone is another animal altogether, even for just a day. It's alone, alone. 

So I woke up that morning after they left to discover the satellite was down.I panicked, my monkey-mind took over. Not because I couldn't watch You Tube videos, but because I realized if something happened there wasn't a single person on the planet I could reach out to if I needed help. (The satellite is for both internet and phone). I began playing out all sorts of scenarios in my head...what if I have a heart attack, what if the dogs or the horses hurt themselves, what if my guys hurt themselves and I have no way of knowing and no way of getting help. I felt myself going into an old pattern of anxiety and panic, of facing death and having no help. Finally, I dropped, and bowed in child's pose with my head on the Earth, I asked the Divine to take over and surrender to whatever is in the highest order will be...including death...but Goddess please bring the satellite back...lol. I took a shower, started doing some yoga, and then reading, and I settled. But I was still uneasy with being alone, and at the same time knew I am never alone. The Divine is always there. And when I finally surrendered and started enjoying the beautiful nature I was surrounded by...the satellite came back. 

So I sat with my relationship with being alone. I had a remembrance of childhood as an only child, growing up in an inner city. I hated being alone, just ask my mom who I drove nuts since I had no siblings. I had playmates but wasn't really allowed to run wild on the streets. There was no wilderness play areas, not even any parks within walking distance. So the paradox is, most of my playing and the things I love to do are "alone" things. Reading, pretending, puzzles, needlework, coloring. I spent time "alone" in contemplative practices/play. All things I still love and adore plus my adult onset of being an art junkie. But I came to realize in that moment in the mountains, and looking back. I love the paradox of being alone but not alone. I do not like to be physically alone, I like to know beloveds are in my energetic presence, I like to know I can reach out and connect with my soul sisters if I need support and help. I also love to talk and communicate, have been doing it since the womb according to my mom. It might be why I talk to myself all the time, because I have spent a lot of time alone. Drives my hubby nuts that when he first walks in the door at home...and definitely that day when they got back to the cabin, I am going a mile a minute with my mouth...lol. 

Knowing all of this about myself, I recently was chatting with someone and said that I would rather be alone than be in relationships with people who did not love me for who I am, or who I am afraid to show who I am. And that too is the deepest truth. And a paradox. 

But I know what is really true, is that my soul and my Divine will never abandon me, and I am never alone. And as long as I stand in the sovereignty of who I am I will always be surrounded by people who love me truly and who I love truly...and that even when I want to be "alone" I still want to be able to get up and go give them a hug. 

What is your relationship with being alone? Do you love it, are you afraid of it? Do you make choices to ONLY surround yourself with people who see you for who you truly are and love you? Or do you hide who you are because you are afraid if you show who you are people will "leave" or abandon you?" Of course, my thought on that is....a saying my grandfather always used to say. "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." Letting people go who don't love and appreciate you for who you are, opens you up for the people who do to come into your life. It's not easy, but it's possible, and may be the best thing you have ever done. Because when you are not allowing YOU to shine, you are abandoning yourself. 

Love and Light, 

Dina