Are You the Over-Commitment Queen?
I know I have been the Queen of Over-commitment! Thinking I could do ALL the things, be all things to all people, say yes to all the "opportunities", AND maintain my contemplative creative, physical and spiritual practice. But eventually overcommitment leads to overwhelm and something has to go. Usually it is our commitment to ourselves and our self-care and/or spiritual practices that are the first to go, robbing us of our joy, and disconnecting from ourselves and being present. Because we don't want to disappoint others, or in our work we are committed and we want to remain in integrity to our clients and customers. AND a Sovereign Queen honors her commitments, or makes the choice to have honest conversations when she can't honor them. That is taking radical responsibility for what she says she is going to do that impacts others.
But I would prefer we didn't over-commit to begin with. Self-Sovereignty Means to Know when to say yes and when to say no.
Easier said than done sometimes, I know, I have been there. I felt myself going to that edge this week. And so I had to do some evaluating and decision making for the rest of this year and into next. Which is rich information to have going into my winter visioning time that leads into next Spring. It was getting real with what my heart and soul desires are in my work, and knowing what needs to be non-negotiable in my personal life and spiritual practice. And some big truths about what was not working, and what needs to be completed as far as commitments already made.
If you sit with this you will notice that this is a pattern and sometimes a cycle. I did when I really looked at it. I was inspired to look at this by another beloved who said she over-commits and deals with it, by "planning" way out into the future. Which was another way of say, I will get to MYSELF when I finish all these commitments. Except like many of us, we keep overcommitting and never looking at the root reason and patterns of why we do it to begin with, therefore never getting to YOURSELF and doing the things that bring you joy. We have to look at the patterns and transform them, or we fall to the bottom of the list EVERY SINGLE TIME. Until eventually we crash, burnout, get physically or mentally ill, or are just plain unhappy.
So I will share a few patterns I see in myself and through my work with others, and some practices for knowing when to say yes and when to say no.
First, one of the biggest imprints I carry is one that is a "left-over" from the corporate world where we are told to always give 110%. Well we are human beings, not Wonder Woman. If we give 110% to every aspect of our lives, and every commitment/to-do list we will fry our circuits. It's just not possible. Sometimes it just needs to be "good enough".
We over-commit in our businesses because we think it will bring in more revenue and abundance, but the truth is we often become so fragmented that we don't focus on any thing and get nothing put out to the world. OR we really do begin to disappoint others and not honor commitments. It actually in the end either costs more, or brings in less.
Or...and this is a BIG one for me, saying yes to all the things in order to be seen, heard, and recognized. To build a bigger audience. Now when I say yes in my work or co-creations it has to come from a deep place of wanting to make an impact, and something that is very joyful for me, and not coming from a place of ego or a scarcity story.
In our personal lives we say yes to all the things, or we take on the responsibilities of everyone else. This is often an underlying pattern of wanting to be needed, wanted, and ultimately loved. But when we get stressed and frazzled and we begin to lash out at everyone around us...or hold it in until we lose our shit, trust me, your beloveds would rather do the dishes, or make a dinner than deal with you that way.
FOMO- Huge one that I see. Saying yes to every invitation (in person or online), every networking event, every mom's night out, or coffee meetup, holiday party, volunteer opportunity. All the things. Even when you would really rather cocoon, or work on what really matters to you, be at home with your family instead of running around.
Saying yes to everything that lights me up, because I am afraid of running out of time in this life. This too is one I have worked on a lot over the years.
You may recognize yourself in one (OR ALL) of these. It's OK. But I invite you to look deeper, look at your own patterns, look underneath the surface as to why. And make a commitment to yourself first, start small with some shifts you can make, and stop using a planning calendar or to-do list as a bandaid. Stop putting YOURSELF somewhere out in the future and start being present with what you need.
The invitation is to look at..how much is enough? Do you have to take on all the clients, does everything require 110%, and embrace good enough instead of the unattainable "perfection." Or at home, maybe dinner doesn't have to be a gourmet dinner.
Before saying "yes" really feel into your body and your heart if it is something that lights you up and/or brings you joy.
Question yourself as to your motivation. (In my case...many, many things light me up...sometimes I say yes too quickly) I have to slow down and ask..why do I want to do this, what is my motivation, (is it ego or soul driven), is it for now..or can it wait until later. Does it take away focus from something ELSE that I am already doing and lights me up as well.
THIS IS WHERE VISIONING and PLANNING are valuable. Not to put yourself on some future to-do list. But to honor your current commitments first to self, then to others...and then look at where there is spaciousness to pursue something new that lights you up. And then when that time comes, check into see if it is still in alignment, and then commit to that. Or vision into where you DO want to put your life force focus and energy.
Make a list of those things that you want to commit to for yourself and your inner well-being and joy. Choose AT LEAST one that is non-negotiable. And do not say yes to anything that will not honor that commitment to yourself.
I would love to hear if, how and what your over-commitment patterns are. And if any of the practices are helpful to you.
Love and Light.
Dina